Better Than the Exercise

(Photo by Edwin Hooper on Unsplash)

On an impulse I ordered a fitness trampoline. Akin to a hamster wheel, trampolines provide an outlet for energetic creatures in captivity. My time on the tramp, or as we in the community called “rebounder,” surely gave me a way to get rid of excess energy fast, and also provided something that I missed in the empty NYC pandemic streets: quirky strangers.

YouTube trampoline fitness videos feature people who are delightfully different from the usual white-chick-in-spandex-and-strategic-gold-bangle-wearing fitness instructors: they are meatier, less rehearsed, and unconcerned with having the perfect backdrop. …

Isn’t it pretty to think so?

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People are debating the possibility of Melania divorcing soon to be ex-president Donald Trump because the potential benefits are— in his words — HUGE!

How glorious would it be if Donald Trump lost the presidency AND his trophy wife! Late nite hosts would do a collective leap for joy. Comedians would make audiences on Zoom laugh. Memes would prance about social media in delight.

But it will never happen.

How do I know this? Because I impersonated her for three years, wrote a book about the experience, and incessantly churn out comedy content in…

Photo by Rhodi Lopez on Unsplash

My fellow Republican women, we are gathered here today to say farewell to my dearly departed Be Best campaign.

Be Best was born out of my obligation as First Lady to fill the American public’s imagination with photos of me beyond the naked and handcuffed one that was plastered onto a billboard in Utah.

The campaign occupied my life in a way I could never have imagined. First a WhatsApp thread on my personal phone, then a folder in my inbox email, and eventually a daily 15-minute coordination meeting after Pilates and before my afternoon massage.

Without batting a mink…

How Melania Trump Tries to BeBest

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“[O]n the question of what causes she [Melania Trump] might support, she has noted she is already involved in ‘many, many charities.’ She elaborated: ‘Many different charities involving children, involving many different diseases.’”

— “Melania Trump on Her Rise, Her Family Secrets, and Her True Political Views: ‘Nobody Will Ever Know’” by Julia Ioffe in GQ

Melania Trump turned her face to the sunset streaming through the White House window so she could pretend to ignore the request coming from the lips of the Slovenian diplomat.

Could he have her blessing to auction off…

Based on a true story.

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In Melania Trump: The Inside Story author Bojan Požar recounts Melania Trump’s first press conference in the fall of 1998, days before her relationship with Donald Trump became public.

The invitation: “Would you like to come along with us on Tuesday to Paris to advert shoot for a product with a Slovenian model, very successful abroad and with foreign photographers?”

Melania presented a fictionalized and sanitized version of her career to the curious audience gathered in her hotel suite.

A reporter from Mag reflected that Melania said “almost nothing” about her life, and “such a story could have been written…

Next time you think Melania is on your side read this

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Melanie could not believe that she was to become Queen.

“What bad luck I have!”

She locked herself in The Tower, saying that she could not be present for the new king’s celebrations — she needed to wash her hair.

Melanie made her way to her basin and unclipped her extensions with the help of two maids and a butler. If you caught a glimpse of her on the grim night of her husband’s triumph you would have clearly seen that she had shoulder-length hair. You never would have guessed that it was, in person, long enough to be a…

They marched to a cliff marked ‘End of the World’

(Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash)

Washingtonia had a rat problem; after years of neglect, the rat population had exponentially multiplied. You might believe that there were no rats in the room, but there was always one, lurking.

In a town not far from Washingtonia, there lived an even bigger rat disguised in pied clothing, golden and orange with stray strands of dyed yellow yarn. Let’s call him the Pied Piping Rat. His wife was a very beautiful rat in pied robes whose name he barely remembered so we won’t either. Her function was to tell…

I give you crumbs and you bake a crumb cake of lies.

Photo Credit Mike Triosi

By Lauren LoGiudice and Jesse Sneddon

My Dearest Kate,

Everything you write is so good to me.

Your account of my independence in your book Free Melania made me so confident I ask Donald for a bigger allowance.

And your articles! You observe that my BeBest campaign is more than photo ops with poor children. And it is! It’s also photo ops with lower middle class children.

In your recent article you said that my Tweets have “disciplined timing.” I assume you’re correct.

You see, every morning Stephanie Grisham writes my tweet with Stephen Miller to fix Donald’s latest mess.

Then she comes to my Glam…

The genesis of Ivanka Trump’s presidential campaign.

Photo by King Lip on Unsplash

Long ago, before Melanie had even moved to The Fairest States, Queen Ivana was married to Sir Trumpus. When we meet the queen in this story, she was deeply worried. She had already given birth thrice, thereby gaining a few pounds, and had also aged past 30.

One day, anxiety overtook her and she became determined to get some answers about the security of her position. …

I didn’t need tapes because I slipped right inside her.

(Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash)

My publisher was firm, “You can not use a picture of Melania Trump on your cover.”

But it wasn’t photos of Melania I had sent them, they were snaps of me dressed as Melania.

If you saw me walking down the street, except that I’m tall and lanky, you would never place Melania and I in the same lineup. I have short hair and walk, talk, and joke like a dyke, injecting my Queens accent into my learned General American whenever passionate.

How then do I get so often confused for Melania when I do her impression? Sure, when I’m…

Lauren LoGiudice

Join my community of like-minded artsy nerdy weirdos! Sign up and you’ll get 2 free chapters of my humor book Inside Melania 👉🏼 👈🏼

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